You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
