omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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