Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
