oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
