She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
