Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
Ketchup is God's man juice
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
