Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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