I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
