I miss him.. What the hell did I get myself in to? I guess it will get better with time.
No. Just liquor. Time's no good.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Randomize
