If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I lost the right to judge tonight
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
