Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
