I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Randomize
