Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
