my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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