I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
