currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize
