she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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