I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
you had me at cake vodka
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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