Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
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