Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
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