I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
we both turned hook ups into relationships we are crushing this thing called life right now.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Randomize
