you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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