it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Randomize
