i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
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