if i can run in heels then i can drive
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
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