Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
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after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize