If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Randomize
