I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
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