You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Randomize
