Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Randomize
