before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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