Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
