I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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