I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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