Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
