party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Randomize
