I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
