names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
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I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
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