When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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