Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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