I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
