Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
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