I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Drunk is a universal language darling
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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