just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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