if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
