Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
you inspire me to be a worse person
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
