A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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