A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
