I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Randomize
