Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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