My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
This is my life. Enjoy the view
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
