OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
