the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
