there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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