4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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