All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
