Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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